And On THAT Note...

Okay! I feel much better now.

Last night, after posting, I had to read through my new wip Heart on Fire to remember that I have been busy, and not slacking at all - the product I've created is just not precisely what I planned. Balance is a good thing. You can only do so much rewriting before your eyes start bleeding and you begin to think you suck and will never make it. The creative drive takes a back seat during rewrite time, and it becomes intense WORK. You go back over these words you've written and realize that this could be more effective and that doesn't fit there at all. And so you fix it or take it out, and then boom - that simple change has a domino effect throughout the rest of the story. Change one motivation in the beginning - say you initially envisioned your hero being a cranky bastard, and he turns out so much nicer (or better motivated to be cranky) on the page by the end of the book that the beginning of the book no longer makes sense (not that this happened to Cyrus - no, he's exactly what I meant him to be - HAH!). So going back, you think it will be a quick fix to make him more consistent, and boom - making him smile on page seven when the heroine makes a smartass comment - rather than rolling his eyes or shooting her daggers - this has an effect on what she thinks of him in the following pages - it makes a difference how she reacts to him in the next scene and the next, which in turn, shapes how they BOTH react to the plot events as they unfold. If he's nice to her, she's probably going to be nice back unless you give her a good reason not to be... which is entirely possible, but adds a whole new layer to the first hundred pages that I wasn't counting on taking six months to rewrite.

When you think about it like that, I guess I'm not doing too badly. And the bonus is that while I only thought I was working on point 1 that the interested agent made, I'm actually working on point 3 as well, which was the authenticity of the relationship between Cy and Freedom. I haven't actually had anyone test read the changes yet, but I'm thinking I might be ready for some feedback on how I'm doing.

Jumping the Gun

Over the past week, I somehow managed to write over fifty pages on a new story. (Thirty of that was yesterday in the space of about six hours. I'm not sure where it's going exactly. I have an idea, but sometimes by the time a book is done, it has veered off seriously from where you thought it was going. It might still do that. No guarantees. But so far, the book is exactly what I envisioned it being.

The problem is this is the point at which I usually jump the gun and go running to the nearest writer/reader friend for feedback on the characters, plot, etc. It's like I'm suddenly filled with self doubt that anyone will want to read it - that anyone will enjoy these characters, or feel what they are feeling and understand why. Which is bunk. Because if there's one thing I should know by now, it's that my characters are strong, and their conflicts are real live things that people can feel. So last night, I decided not to do that. Not to ask anyone to read it yet. I've met some other writers who write in the dark, get critique, and then go back in the dark to apply said critique. For a long time, I've kind of begged for others to come in the dark room. But as a result, I'm not always happy with where the plot goes, with the character's final catharsis. Because you get a well-meaning litany of "Well, why did she do that? I don't think so-and-so would really act like that" And "That scene was pointless. Take it out."

As a writer, we do need this feedback, sure! And the newer we are to the craft, the more feedback is necessary to round out the opinions until we can learn our weaknesses, educate ourselves, and develop our own style. We need to deal with flaws the story has that are going to prevent our target audience from getting the emotion or point we're trying to make (and I'm less often trying to make a point than to get to an emotion - usually one we forbid ourselves to be with). We need this feedback to polish the work - to turn a manuscript into a book - but at times, particularly in the beginning phase, the feedback can make you lose that loving feeling.

So it's been really hard not to email my crit partner and ask her for a read. Because truthfully, what if she does hate it? What if she does see holes in my beginning? (She's bound to at thirty pages.) This is not what you need to hear when you're starting a new book, particularly if you are more experienced and confident in your writing. These kind of comments will get me off in a direction that doesn't favor creation. It gets me off in a direction that has me repeating the words, "sucky hack" over and over in my mind.

I'm going to try to save this one. For when the first draft is done. Or at least until I've hit a serious bump in the road, and my asking people to read is more out of necessity than a desire to hear what a genius I am. I'll let you know how that goes.

Taming Those Hot Ideas

It was a good writing day today. Fifteen pages. And I worked another important scene - the emotional aftermath of a vampire battle and the death of my heroine's mother. I'm at 74,500 words. About 3/4 of the way there. We're onto the rising action that leads to the black moment now. Body count should rise. Huzzah!

Plus, I got an idea for a new piece that I can not wait to sink my teeth into (nope, it isn't a vampire sequel, but it should be). Okay. My problem: here's where I often falter. This was a hot idea (meaning it would have just flown off my pen, not that it was kinky at all, it's actually YA lit), and since I've been writing seriously, my habit is usually to follow my heart each day and write whatever is hot and speaking to me at that moment. The problem with following my heart is that my heart often leads in six different directions at the same time (anyone else fickle like me?). I currently have six (wtf?!) projects on the back burner while I finish INTENDED! Isn't that sick? And the truth is that I'm in LOVE with at least three of those stories - meaning I'm chomping at the bit to finish them, or reweave them, or whatever it is that needs to be done to them. So understand how hard it was for me to just write the hook (which often comes to me in the form of a preface) and hit save and not start listening to the voices on that one right away!

The truth is that time away from this hot idea will give me time to cook a really hot plot around that hot premise. Does anyone out there manage to successfully finish stories when they work on multiples? Or do you have to stay committed to get through it. This one story at a time thing is hard on me, but I'm finding it's moving me toward my goal much faster.

Well, this evening, it's back to work - on the vampires - for just a couple hours. I'm going to try to hit the sack before midnight. My boyz are waking up early with the time change - isn't that bizarre?

Working Again This Morning

I finally finished that evil Chapter 17. I ended up hitting delete again, on two pages that were just not taking it to the next level. Then I wrote five more to wrap it up.

I was having problems with it on two levels.

1. I wasn't getting to the nitty gritty of the scene where my main character, a teenage vampire, conronts the head vampire who just killed her mother and now wants her dead. We're talking general teenage pissiness and mega-grief combined with "why the hell am I a vampire to begin with" stuff. This scene actually had a life of it's own the first ten times I wrote it. It went from a very intense confrontation to a Scooby-Doo-monologuing-info-dump, which made me want to ralph as a reader when I went back through. So basically, I had to sit back and write down my goals for the chapter. What had to happen/be said? What could happen/be said? What absolutely, under no circumstances should happen unless your name is Thelma and you have a hot friend named Fred who is dating your best friend who is so pretty you have completely given up and agreed to be the dork. So Scooby info dump had to go. Although writing that part was very informative for me, and I cut and pasted those sections into an outtakes document that I can refer to for the information. (I highly recommend an outtakes document for writers. You may never be able to paste the words into another part of your story, but I often refer back to these little treasures).

2. The other thing that was holding me back was sheer procrastination. Which I finally realized was the result of fear. Sure, it's been a busy month, and I need to forgive myself for not having time to write, but there is no excuse for reading blogs and compulsively checking my email when I haven't reached my writing goals for the day. So I had to identify what I was afraid of. A few things actually:

a) This not my first manuscript, but it's my first YA. Naturally, I want it to be salable when I'm done with it. But I fear I've taken some risks with my characters that might make it hard to sell, no matter how fresh the hook is. I've read enough YA to know it's 90% how you approach a given taboo that determines whether it works or not. But I want to make sure I'm doing it right.

b) I'm afraid of the rewrite. Premature fear? Yep. Rewrites suck. But truthfully, I don't see this rewrite being nearly as hard as my first few. I know alot more about writing now.

c) What else do I fear? Rejection of course. Form rejections get you over that pretty fast. I've submitted less than a dozen times and had two encouraging rejections. Maybe by the time I have enough rejections to decoupage my bathroom I'll be cool here. I should probably get on that.

Do you ever get so wound up in fear that you can't move forward?

Glad to have the chapter done. I have a great idea cooking to end the story with a bang - lots of teenage love angst, a few vampire brawls, and a decision that will probably make readers want to either lynch me or demand a sequel. Obviously, I'm hoping for a series.

Finding My Happy Place

It's hard writing when the kiddos are home. Which is how I often end up cleaning the toilet on weekends. But this is different - this is school vacation week - and the little monsters have not only been at home for a full seven days, but we have also been sick with dueling illnesses for three weeks. To say that we're a little house-queer would be putting it mildly.

Needless to say, I haven't gotten anywhere near that goal of having my current writing project finished by the middle of the month. I haven't actually written anything new all month. *Sigh.*

Where to start? Well, where I left off would seem like a good place. But I remember I was determined to write this thing by the seat of my pants... and unfortunately I'm at a place in the novel - the halfway point - where I need to be starting to think about how I'll be wrapping this thing up. I'm a little worried. I feel the urge to outline coming on, and you know, maybe I shouldn't fight it. Maybe this is my process - fly by the seat for a while, get the creative juices flowing, then tie it all up with an outline.

For now, I'm trying the storyboard idea - a plain posterboard with colored sticky-notes mapping out each plotline and subplotline. The idea is that you can identify plot points and weave them together by moving the sticky-notes around. Then you have a visual aid for your story telling.

Dead Ends

It happens to all of us at one time or another. Some people call it writer's block; I call it hitting a dead end. It usually happens to me when I'm flying along at a break-neck pace (like I've been on my brand new story) and something or other makes me take a break (a rough week, in this case). At any rate, I lose track of where I was going with my story, and it feels like slamming into a brick wall or being hammered by an anvil from the sky.

I try not to stress about what causes it. It's pointless, and it's all related to the same phenomena that causes me to start outlining my stories to death. It's called: I don't KNOW what happens next. It's called: I'm not having any more quasi-schizophrenic moments out in traffic, and I'm not having any more prophetic dreams - and it's pissing me off.

The bottom line is, I can't take this story to the next level.

I've tried everything. I've tried brainstorming things that could happen next. I've tried diagramming the plot to see where I'm at - midway through some rising action - plot doctor to the rescue! Let's sneak in a plot twist here to avoid what is rapidly becoming a sagging middle.

Um. No, actually. That sucks for me. It doesn't help one iota. I have written myself into so many corners by doing that, that I know it can't be a good thing for me. (Although I know a few people who can pull it off with such grace I never would have guessed they wrote by the seat of their pants.)

What does work for me was what I did yesterday. I sat my butt in the chair and made myself continue where I left off. I wrote until my husband called from Afghanistan late in the evening. And when we hung up, I reread the five pages I'd written (how's that for suckage? all day and only five pages?). At any rate, they weren't bad. It wasn't really sucky writing. It was the same quality as the writing I always put out. But it was NOT where I wanted the story to go. Oh no. I was horrified by the turns my characters were taking - getting all tender and romantic when nothing short of angst would get them to the next turning point. And frankly, these characters can't afford to be like that with each other - it will ruin the story completely.

I sat there staring at the pages, reading them over and over again. I could find nothing wrong with the way the characters behaved. They were consistent to the point of irritation, and while I agree that you have to let your characters be themselves, you also have to tell the story you set out to tell. The setting was dull, no doubt about that - note to self: must get them out of living room, need more action at this point in novel, action will take it to next level. The scene developed character, revealed a much-needed secret, and brought my heroine to the point of no return. It should have rocked! But damn it! It lacked zip! Where was the tangy zip?! Well, I'll tell you where it wasn't: in the living room.

So here's what I did. Here's my secret to getting unstuck in the new year. It's rash. It's completely hateful, but I did it anyway.

I hit delete.

Yup. I highlighted an entire days worth of work and hit the old delete button. And strangely, I feel much better. I don't feel like I wasted a day at all. I slept like a baby last night and woke up refreshed for the first time in months. It felt a little like I had spent a day being irresponsible with my kids, playing video games. I explored a mysterious cavern for treasure. Gathered up the baubles that presented themselves, and discovered that there wasn't much down there in the way of points and it was a dead end. So I returned back the way I came to I'll try a different avenue today.

Spending a day writing something you will delete is like playing games just for sh*ts and giggles. You don't actually win the game, but you learn something about it. You learn which moves are wasted, and the quickest route to the dragon you need to fight. You also learn which caverns are empty and which ones contain treasure or game tips worth the journey.

So next time you have writer's block, or get stuck, remember that. Keep writing. And don't be afraid to hit delete, even if (or especially if, haha) you think the writing is brilliant. You will be brilliant again. I promise.